“If I refuse to allow one who is dear to me to suffer for the sake of Christ, if I do not see such suffering as the greatest honor that can be offered to any follower of the Crucified, then I know nothing of Calvary love.”
Amy Carmichael, IF
I read this quote from Amy Carmichael this morning, with her book in one hand and a cup of coffee in my other. My husband had just left for the day, leaving me to bask in my morning glory of God and coffee. But when I read this quote, I couldn’t help but think of my husband and how he never refuses to allow me to suffer if he knows it’s ultimately for God’s glory in the end… He never tries to stop me from suffering; or tries to ‘make it alright.’ He simply allows me to cry when I need to, as he rubs my back or sits with me or cuddles me. He listens to me vent my pain and my shame and my feelings of guilt… And all the while he just listens… And occasionally he reminds me that I am to suffer for Christ’s sake and it’s all for HIS glory in the end.
My pain recently has been grief. I lost my best friend, and I couldn’t help her. I tried with as much as I could offer, but eventually, death took her.
I have NEVER felt pain as deep and hurtful as this. Grief is such a special kind of hurt… I imagine it might actually touch the surface of what it would feel like to die… And maybe even worse? For some stories of people dying sound peaceful – as the Lord takes them Home… But grief? Maybe it’s closer to hell… To the eternal death that awaits sinners.
My Grief is for Christ’s Glory?
On occasion, I’ll break down and start crying. Sometimes it’s pretty random, other times I try to wait until we’ve settled at home before I let the tears run. All of those moments my husband is very compassionate and accepting of my pain and sorrow. And on occasion, he remind me that my grief is for Christ’s glory.
And it makes me so mad when he tells me that.
Yup. Me. A Christian. Mad at the opportunity to glorify Christ.
“But isn’t that the whole point of being a Christian? You’re meant to glorify Christ in all of your actions?” you ask.
Yup. No denying that. Christians are called to glorify Christ in all that we do. We are called to have faith and not waver; deny ourselves and rejoice at all that comes from Christ.
Ohhhhhhh, but how I wish to take it away sometimes.
For I am angry at God. He took my best friend away from me. He ALLOWED her to die. He knew the ending before it even began. He knew how she was going to die before our eyes ever met. And so when I think back to the moment my eyes met hers for the first time, and how I knew we would have a special bond, I never could have imagined this ending, 10 years later.
But He knew. And that’s almost worse!
Grief makes you so mad, because you wish you never felt the kind of love that makes you feel this kind of pain.
But slowly, eventually, you heal… With the love of Christ on your side, it makes it easier. For, as angry as I am, really, I have to compare the grief I feel for my best friend, and think that this is how God must have felt when Jesus died, on the cross, for OUR sins.
Many people like to refer to God as some sadistic egomaniac psychopath. But in reality, He has allowed Himself to level with us. He created a situation that levels with the kind of pain that we all feel in our lives at one point or another…
And without Christ, this pain would be a million times worse for me. Because at least, at the end of it all, I can still turn and say, “Lord, I’m sorry for my anger. I know You know that it is just and that I do still love you. You of course know my pain and sympathize with me. And in the end, I just pray that my best friend is enjoying Heaven, with You, my God.”
We can love SO HARD, that it etches itself so deeply into our hearts, forever.
In the end, I know that my best friend is in a better place. Because Heaven is a MUCH better place than earth.
Although she had to face the first death, she will never face a second death. For Christ loves her and protects her from that. And although there will be a pain – and ache – in my heart until the day that I die my first death, that pain reminds me that there was SO much love, that it etched itself into me forever.
Isn’t that wildly magnificent in its own way? That we can love SO HARD, that it etches itself so deeply – sharply, like a knife on stone – that it creates a permanent scar on our heart forever?
Maybe that’s how we glorify Christ in our suffering? Maybe, somehow, the love within us prevails, and so His glory prevails…
Either way, my husband is right is never refusing to let me suffer. He rejoices and helps me to see that I must rejoice too, for there will come the day that time has revealed how my suffering will glorify Christ in the end.
IF you’d like to read this book for yourself, it’s an absolutely amazing read… It brought me much closer to Christ, and it continues to every day. There is a never ending supply of wisdom and conviction that comes from this book.